The Road Back To Redemption
by cphillygirl
Summary: T'Mara is dealing with Spock's addiction and now her own physical issues. She can't help wonder will their marriage survive. This is number 13 in my Soul Journey series.
1. Chapter 1

The day after returning from Admiral Jamieson's office, Spock and T'Mara sit on side of their bed as he pulls his boot over his foot.

T'Mara lightly places her hand on top of his knee. "Spock, why did you do it?"

He turns his head so he could see her face. His face shows puzzlement. "Why did I do what? Please specify."

"Sorry, I guess you can't read my mind all the time." She smiles briefly. "Why did you toss your medal into the trash receptacle?"

He finishes putting on his other boot. He places his hands on his thighs and stares straight ahead. She wonders if he will answer her inquiry. He finally turns to face her. "T'Mara, I am pleased that Headquarters recognized your bravery. As for me...brave? T'Mara, no." He bows his head. "I did not prevent us from being captured. Nor did I rescue the prisoners or colonists."

"Spock, wait – you risked everything for those people, right down to your life."

She begins to stroke his bangs, but he gently takes her hand, then places it to her side. "You are correct, but this man does not feel deserving of any accolades. Come, we need to finish preparing for our day." He stands and she also rises.

T'Mara speaks with care. "Spock, it's not like you to wallow in self-pity."

His eyes turn icy. T'Mara takes a step away from him. He does not move as he analyzes his feelings. Is this what humans mean by the truth hurts? He acknowledges the fact that he has been struggling with self-despair since they were held captive. "T'Mara, you are correct. I need to refresh my thinking." He allows a small smile to appear on his face.

T'Mara thinks back over their discussion last night about the admiral's recommendation for a leave of absence. She had suggested it was a good idea, since Andre and T'Sora could come to their home and assist with his detox. Spock's reaction had been a firm no. Her heart had fallen, but she reminded herself what she was taught in her psychology classes – that an addict may need to hit bottom before he is ready to seek help. T'Mara only hopes Spock won't need to sink too low before wanting to seek the right path.

They sit down to breakfast. As they eat, Spock soon observes that their normally communicative girls were awfully subdued. He places his teacup down as he looks at them. "Daughters, is everything alright?"

T'Meika quickly glances over to T'Anya, then back to her father. She knows by her younger sister's timid expression she would have to answer for both of them. "Well, when you and Mom returned from the academy yesterday afternoon, she looked sad and you sought refuge in your office. You broke your promise to T'Anya about spending time with her. Then later that evening, you and mother engaged in a heated discussion. We can't help but be concerned."

Spock inwardly sighs. Soon their oldest will figure out that there was more than stress bothering her father. Soon she will demand more answers. The emotion of regret begins to tug at him, but he manages to stop it from surfacing. "Your mother and I are still dealing with the aftereffects of our mission. Once I return to teaching and your mother is back at her counseling, things will settle back to normal."

T'Mara's mind cringes over his words, 'back to normal'. However, she does not have much time to mull over the problems they were yet to face, for a busy day lay ahead of them.

oooooo

After dropping off their young son, Stefan, at daycare, Spock lands the skimmer in a space in front of the psychological studies and healing center where T'Mara works. They both exit the vehicle and meet behind it.

"My wife, may your day go without incident. Or should I say, may your clients not cause you too much stress," he speaks in Vulcan.

"Yes, my husband, may your cadets not cause you too much grief," she replies in the same language. She leans toward him. She places one hand behind his neck. Their lips meet briefly in a goodbye kiss. "Shall I meet you at 1200 hours in the officers' lounge?" T'Mara asks of him.

"Yes, that will be agreeable." He turns, then walks toward the main campus. His first designation is to Admiral Pike's building. He rides the lift to the 10th floor. He proceeds to his office. He enters his private bathroom. He stares at his reflection.

"Damn," he mutters. His eyes are still dilated. With quastene, it can take 2.245 hours for one's eyes to return to normal. He only shot up 1.5 hours ago. He hopes that the midshipmen will not notice, but doubts that will be the case. He has drilled into them to observe every detail, no matter how minute. He always stresses the importance of studying their surroundings, right down to a blade of grass. That is what being an excellent science officer entails. Being good at research could save one's life or the lives of one's crewmates.

Shaking his head in self-disgust, he makes a mental note to inject himself one hour earlier. Fear was not usually in his vocabulary, for he did not even fear death. So why was he apprehensive about the process of escaping the drug's hold on him? Was it the dread of enduring tremors, nausea, chills, and pain? The possibility of facing hallucinations? Or was it that he was secretly enticed by its offer of extra adrenaline, sexual prowess, and yes – the way it heightens his emotions? He stands in front of his desk, flexing his hands. All those thoughts he pushes in the back of his mind. He gathers his padd and all he will need for his morning classes.

He enters the well-illuminated classroom. The cadets are already waiting for him. He walks to the lecture screen. "Excuse my tardiness. Good morning, midshipmen."

Some of his cadets glance at each other, for he did not customarily greet them with such high spirits. Spock is acutely conscious of the cadets scrutinizing him. They seem to be studying his face. Perhaps it is due to his fresh growth of beard and longer than normal hair. He hopes that is the case.

"Good morning, Captain. We are pleased to have you back," a green-eyed female cadet says cheerfully.

The rest join in. "Hear, hear, welcome back, Captain!" The midshipmen had not thought they would miss the Vulcan, but after having Captain Stiles as their substitute instructor, they were happy to have Captain Spock again. He may be hard on them, but he was not prissy.

Spock attempts to begin his discussion on valuing the uniqueness of different alien species. The philosophy of IDIC. Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

A cadet raises her hand. "Yes, Cadet Jasper?"

"Sir, rumor has it that you and your wife were held prisoner at the colony and that you both were used as slaves."

Spock's brow rises into his bangs. Someone on board his ship or the _Excelsior_ must have leaked the information, and the thought annoys him. He will bring it to the admiral's attention. He takes a slow, steadying breath. "The happenings at the Jarus colony are strictly confidential at this point. We are not here to discuss what may or may not have occurred."

Spock proceeds with his original discussion. He is pleased that the midshipmen become engrossed with the discussion. At the end of class, he stands and they salute him as they leave. He salutes back. All file out, except the green-eyed cadet. She keeps her hands clasped behind her back. At first, she does not speak.

"Miss Jasper, is there something you require of me?"

She tilts her head, then smiles shyly. "Uh...Captain are...are you alright? When you entered the room, I could not help noticing that you seem peaked…'

He clears his throat. "Yes, I am quite fine. A result of a Vulcan herbal medication. Thank you for inquiring."

She straightens. She does not hide her concern for her instructor. "Oh alright, Captain. Then I hope the medicine is not for anything serious."

"No, I assure you that it is nothing you need to be concerned about. We both have other classes…" He gestures to the door.

They exit together. She goes her way as he goes to the refreshment center to obtain a cup of herbal tea. He then returns to the classroom and waits for his next class.

ooooooooo

The next couple of classes go without any conflict. He is preparing for his last class of the morning. He now stands by his desk. The cadets file to their seats. Each one stands next to his or her desk as they face him and salute.

Spock returns their salutes. "You may be seated."

Once they are seated, he begins his lecture on Physics of Time Warp Travel. One cadet pulls out his pocket phone. Seized with sudden anger, Spock discontinues his lecture. He strides directly to the midshipman. He snatches it from the cadet's hand. The young man stares at his instructor with disbelief.

"Pierce, you are aware of the policy that phones are not allowed in class. The only padd you should have on your person is the Star Fleet Academy issue note padd," his voice lashes.

The cadet swallows hard. His eyes are slightly wide. "Yes sir, I am aware of the rules. My father has been seriously ill. I was receiving a vital message from my mother."

Spock's grip on the phone becomes tighter. He subconsciously squeezes it to the point that the screen begins to crack. The crack spreads like a spider's web.

"Captain, my phone!" Pierce's voice becomes urgent.

The room is completely silent. Spock looks to his right hand. He realizes what he just did to Pierce's communication device. He lessens his grip and coughs. At first, he cannot speak. "I...I apologize. I did not intend to damage it. I shall reimburse you for the cost of the phone." Spock hands it back to Pierce.

Pierce stares at the cracked screen. A priority message now appears. He shudders. "Captain..." his breath catches. "May I be excused? My mother...she said that my father ...is dying." He chokes back tears.

Spock takes a step back. "Yes...yes, of course. Go...I...I grieve with you. I am sincerely sorry." He finds that he cannot go on with the lecture. He gathers enough control to steady his voice. "Class to attention."

Though confused, they all stand.

"Dismissed!" he cracks out.

Once the last cadet leaves, Spock leans against the wall. He unfastens his jacket, then reaches for his inside pocket. The hypo he thought he had placed there is missing.

"Damn," he mutters as he refastens his jacket. Then memory jolts him. He left it on the nightstand!

How could he be so careless?

He sprints out of the room and continues to run until he nears his vehicle. He stops to catch his breath. He enters the skimmer and pilots it to their house.

A few minutes later, T'Mara is sitting at what had become 'their table' in the officers' mess hall. She glances at her chronometer. Spock is now ten minutes late. In normal circumstances, he would have contacted her by now. She drinks her tea. Then she begins to eat her vegetarian platter.

Spock now is in their bedroom. He finds the hypo exactly where he left it. He picks it up and carries it to the bed. He sits down and quickly removes his jacket. He rolls up his sleeve, then injects himself. The drug does what is expected, for euphoria washes over him. His breathing slows and a smile creeps onto his face. He puts his jacket back on, then he stands a bit shakily. Realizing he is late in meeting T'Mara, he hurries out of the house.

At the mess hall, T'Mara looks at her padd to see if she had somehow missed any messages from her husband. She becomes torn between concern and anger. It is now 1230 hours. She is about to stand until she sees him heading her way, carrying a tray.

"T'Mara... I regret my tardiness," he says as he sits down. He notices she did not consume much of her meal.

She speaks before he could ask about it. "You could have contacted me. What happened?"

He puts his glass down. "My sweet, I needed to retrieve something at home."

She frowns. "I thought you had it with you."

"As did I, but I…left it on the nightstand. All is well now."

She does not feel this would be a good place to discuss his 'problem'. Though the people around seem not to be listening to their conversation, she knows some really are. And her anger would likely only cause more harm. A nauseous feeling hits her. She pushes her tray from her.

Spock studies his wife. "Are you well?"

She looks at him. She takes a deep breath, hoping to rid herself of the feeling. "I am nauseated. It seems to come and go, as does my appetite."

He grows concerned for her well-being. "Perhaps you should pay a visit to Doctor McCoy."

"Yes, a wise suggestion. I will contact him as soon as we are finished. I have an hour with no appointments. Hopefully, he can see me today."

"Good, T'Mara. Please notify me as soon as you receive the doctor's findings."

Her lips quirk upwards. "From the man who couldn't contact me when he was going to be late."

His lips move upwards as well. "Alright, I shall venture to remember the next time, my wife."

They finish their lunch and drop their trays on the tray conveyor. Spock walks T'Mara to the psych building. Their two fingers touch in the Vulcan manner, and he then heads to the quad area. Two cadets watch as he passes by them. Once he is out his range of hearing, one asks, "You attend Captain Spock's 0800 class? Right?"

"Yes, why?"

"Well, I attended his 1100 hour class. His behavior was quite unusual." The cadet looks around him.

"In what way?"

"He displayed anger at Cadet Pierce for having his phone out during class." He shifts his stance.

"Well, it is against the rules." The cadet is not sure where Cadet Jones is going with all this.

"No, you don't understand. I mean really _angry_. He snatched it and squeezed so hard the screen cracked. His voice was harsh. Poor Pierce, he had just found out that his father was dying. That is why he had it out. He was receiving a message from his mother. Then when he told the captain the news of his father...well, it was weird. The class had barely started, but Captain Spock went back to his desk and dismissed us." The cadet waits for the reaction of his female friend.

Her expression then changes to astonishment. "Wow, that is a noteworthy event. You know now, as I think back, he kinda acted peculiar in our class. His demeanor was totally relaxed, so much so he shared a couple of jokes, not his usual dry stuff – jokes that were actually funny and a bit off-color. He did not laugh out loud, but he almost grinned." She shakes her head. "I wonder if what happened to him and his wife on Jarus did something to him. Something that was not detected by a doctor."

"You might be right. I hope for his sake it is only temporary." He and his friend walk to their next class.

ooooooo

Spock exits his office to head to his afternoon classes. As he heads down the hall, Commandant of Star Fleet Academy Captain Samson waves him down.

Spock goes up to the officer. "Yes, Commandant Samson."

"Captain, come to my office with me."

"Yes, sir." Spock follows the dark-skinned man, who happens to be five inches taller than him. Both enter the austere office.

"Captain, please sit down."

Spock pulls up a chair adjacent to the captain's desk.

"I realize you were heading to your next class. This will only take a few moments. Captain, I would like to express my gratitude for resolving the incident at the colony." The Commandant clasps his hands on top of his desk.

"But Commandant, I really..."

"Captain Spock," he cuts him off, "you of all people must realize that for a mission to be successful, it does not mean there is no sacrifice and that sacrifice might include the loss of life. Your mission _was_ successful. The colonists are free." Then Samson opens the drawer of his desk. He pulls out a case that appears to have scratches on it. He places it on the desk and pushes it towards Spock. "A cleaning tech brought this to the admiral, and I was asked to give it back to you. HQ does not make a habit of handing out medals of valor to just anyone. Why did you discard it? A decoration of honor well deserved, to one of the finest officers in the fleet."

Spock picks up the case and opens it. "To be honest, sir, at the moment the admiral gave to me, I...I did not feel worthy of any medal." He slightly bows his head. He shuts the case.

Captain Samson leans all the way back in his chair. He interlocks his fingers and places his hands on his lap. "Captain, what is going on with you? Rumors have been buzzing around campus. Though cadets have been known to spread untruths about their instructors, some rumors are based on fact. Spock. I called you in here because I am growing concerned."

Spock places the medal in the pocket of his jacket. He takes a breath in, then slowly lets it out. "Commandant, may I ask what the rumors are about?"

"Cadets are saying you have been telling off-color jokes in class, smiling, and displaying anger. Not unusual behavior if you were totally human…"

"I am half Vulcan, so I should be seen acting like a Vulcan." Does the commandant hear a tad of sarcasm in Spock's voice? "I tell you, these rumors are exaggerated. I am physically and mentally stable. Of course, you have the right to order me to see Doctor McCoy or any other doctor to perform a complete examination" Spock's tone is assertive. He keeps his face stoic, but sincerely hopes the commandant does not call his bluff.

"No, Captain, not at this time. I have nothing else to say on this matter except that I highly suggest you get your hair and beard trimmed. You are aware of the dress code here, Captain." Then Samson stands up.

Spock also stands. "Understood, Commandant." Spock exits the office.

oooooooo

With the day done, Spock walks towards the Psych building. He then spots T'Mara emerging from the building. He quickens his pace. They meet by his skimmer. They greet each other with a kiss. He opens the car door for her and she enters the passenger's side.

Once they are both inside, she informs him that she could not see Dr. McCoy since he was performing an emergency operation. Studying his troubled face, she adds, "My husband, you appear as a man whose day went south."

"South?" Then he recognizes the phrase. "Yes, T'Mara, I can agree with that statement. Commandant Samson called me into his office. Apparently, your husband has become a hot topic on campus. Rumors of my un-Vulcan like behavior in a couple of my classes." He begins to absorb the compassion he seems to need at that moment from his wife.

"Spock, I too overheard some of the rumors. Vulcan hearing at times can be a curse. Sometimes one wishes not to hear everything. Spock…is there any validation to these rumors?"

A couple of minutes pass before he responds. "Yes, as you are aware, the drug causes my emotions to surface more readily. As it wears off, it causes me to be on edge. Unfortunately, you have already had to experience my irrational behavior." He wraps his hands tightly around the controller. T'Mara….what is this man I have become?"

She leans towards him. "A man in the grip of drug addiction, but remember, you always have my love."

He kisses her on her cheek. "Thank you, my aisha, let us pick up Stefan, then head home and check on the girls."

In a matter of minutes, they enter their house; smells of Vulcan fare enfold them as they walk into the living area. Home from school, T'Meika is in the kitchen preparing their evening meal. Spock and T'Mara greet their daughters. They head to their room to dress into their casual clothes. Spock unfastens his uniform jacket. He pulls out the case that holds his medal, then hands it to his wife.

"T'Mara, keep this safe."

"Your medal! How did you get it?"

"A cleaning tech retrieved it from the trash receptacle, and Commandant Samson gave it back to me."

She takes the case and places it in her chest of drawers, among her treasure items.

ooooooo

They are now alone in the living room, for their offspring are snug in their beds, sound asleep. T'Mara, who is sitting right next to her husband on the sofa, turns her head to him. "Spock, I would like to discuss my concerns about you manufacturing quastene in our home."

He looks up from his padd. He places it on the coffee table. His eyes are now upon his wife's face. "T'Mara, you should not be worried. I would not manufacture it in our home if there even a minuscule chance of endangering any one of us. The process does not produce any harmful chemical fumes. As you know, I keep everything in the safe and keep the office door locked."

She shakes her head. "I know you would not bring harm to your family. Yes, everything is under lock and key. You even changed the passcode to the office door lock. Even I cannot get in." She sighs. "But what if the authorities discover that you're manufacturing a highly illegal drug? They could take our children away."

Spock shifts uneasily. "T'Mara, the authorities have no reason to search our home. I do not create quastene for resale. It is strictly personal use." His eyes lock onto hers. "Not unless someone close to me would notify them..." His voice is almost accusing. "You would not...turn your husband in?"

His words stung her. But if the truth be known, she has considered that option, for maybe if he had to face jail, it would cause him to make a choice. Perhaps he would wish to quit. However, she had decided against it. She felt that there had to be a better course, for if he ended up in jail, his career would be ruined.

Her voice becomes soft. "No, my love...I would not ...I could not. I just fear having our offspring taken from us." A couple of tears roll down her cheeks.

He places his paired fingers on her face and touches the dampness. "T'Mara, wash away your tears. It will not happen. Let us never speak of this again." His voice becomes tender. "But you are to do one thing for your husband."

"What?"

"Keep praying." He kisses her forehead.

ooooooo

Two weeks go by with Spock still deep in his addiction. The rumors continue about his change of demeanor. The cadets were used to his hardcore teaching method. He had always taught with straightforwardness, high expectations, and of course pure logic. But that did not mean he did not allow a little frivolousness in his classes. He had learned over the years that humans needed some breaks from the mundane. He was aware that some had even referred to him as a "tight ass". But now Spock seems, at times, completely human. He shares humorous tales, smiling openly, and has even been seen having a beer with a couple of the cadets.

T'Mara's two weeks, for the most part, were routine. She continued with her counseling and her fits of nausea. She preferred only to have Dr. McCoy examine her, but he had been away for the past two weeks. She had her suspicions on the root cause of her physical ailments, for she was also late in her monthly cycle. She might have to go to the staff doctor, for she did not want to wait much longer to verify her condition.

oooooo

It is a bright Friday afternoon. Spock is strolling down the hallway on the tenth floor. His day now over, he is heading to meet T'Mara.

"Captain Spock, a moment please." Commandant Samson waves at him.

Spock walks towards him. "Yes, Commandant?"

"Captain Spock, when I mentioned getting your hair and beard trimmed, I should have been more specific. That is an order, Captain." He places his hands on his hips.

"Aye, sir. Is there anything else?"

Samson studies the captain for a long moment. Thoughts buzz in his head. Spock, one the Fleet's most decorated, one of the academy's elite instructors. The rumors about the captain's recent conduct disturb the commandant, but there are no regulations against ordinary human behavior. And after all, Spock _is_ half human.

Samson fronts a smile. "Ah, no, Captain. Just have a nice weekend."

oooooo

T'Mara is preparing the evening meal. Stefan enters the kitchen. "Mommy, what are we having for dinner?"

"Vulcan salad and plomeek soup," she says as she stirs the ingredients.

"Daddy's favorite." Stefan watches his mother shake some seasoning into the soup.

"Yes, it is."

T'Anya enters the kitchen. "Mom..Father is locked in the office." Concern clouds her features. "Why?"

T'Mara exhales. It was becoming harder and harder to explain Spock's strange behavior. "He requires total privacy for his uh...project for Starfleet."

T'Anya may be only a little over nine, but she could sense her mother was uneasy. Was there something wrong with her father that her parents were hiding from her? Not just from her, but also T'Meika. Being that dinner would soon be ready, she knew this would not be a good time to further question her mother. So she just says, "Okay, Mom. I hope he will be done soon."

T'Mara stops stirring. She reprograms the heating controls. She faces her daughter. "Oh, he should be done for now. Why don't you go and get him? Just knock on the door and tell him dinner is ready."

T'Anya goes and knocks on the office door. "Father... Mother says it's time to eat." She stands, waiting for a response. She hears movement inside the office.

Spock then exits the office. He enters the passcode to lock the door. He turns around.

T'Anya looks up to see her father's face. She could not miss his odd, euphoric expression. "Uh…you seem happy. Your project must be going well."

"Project…?" He is confused at first, but thinks of what T'Mara must have told her. "Yes..yes it is."

He goes to the kitchen. He comes up behind T'Mara, who is facing the stove. He wraps his arms around her, moves her hair from her neck, then kisses her neck. "Homemade Plomeek soup."

"Of course, for you, my sweet."

Later, with Stefan in bed and the girls in their room doing their homework, Spock and T'Mara share some quiet time on the loveseat. Spock's focus is on his padd.

She says his name softly.

"H'm." His full concentration is on a science journal.

"Spock, I have some news to share with you."

This gets his attention. He brings his head up. "News, T'Mara?"

"Yes, I finally visited Dr. McCoy. He ran a complete exam on me." She swallows. She is just not sure how he will deal with her current physical condition.

His eyes flicker with worry. "My wife, is all well with you?"

"Yes. I, for the most part, am fine. There is a logical explanation for my bouts of nausea. Hopefully, in 8.731 months…we will be blessed with a baby boy!" She offers an uncertain smile as he analyzes the information.

His eyes widen and both brows go into his bangs. "T'Mara, you are pregnant?"

"I believe that is what I am saying."

He slides closer to her and places his padd on the coffee table. His hand runs through her thick curly locks, then settles behind her neck. Then his face is next to hers. His lips meet her lips. The kiss turns into a long loving kiss.

After the kiss, he speaks softly. "T'Mara, the baby – how is her condition?"

"She is fine. Dr. McCoy ran an ultrascanner over me. The hologram shows a healthy embryo of approximately 32 days old. Spock, it may not be logical, but in my heart, I believe everything will be alright. She will be full term. She's going to be the blessing this family has been waiting for. God still answers prayers." She embraces her husband.

Spock gradually pulls away from her embrace. "Perhaps, T'Mara, perhaps. We should share this news with our daughters. Stefan can wait until tomorrow."

He stands, then goes upstairs to the girls' room. He knocks on the door. "We need you both to please come to the living room."

Spock sits down by his wife, and the girls settle into other seats. They see the joy in their father's eyes, so both assume the news will be good.

T'Anya smiles. "What do you need to tell us?"

Spock briefly looks at his wife. With emotion, he says, "Your mother has just informed me that she is expecting."

T'Meika's smile is faint, for she has mixed feelings.

T'Anya, on the other hand, hugs her mother. "Oh, Mom, that is exciting news! Do you know if it is a girl or a boy?"

T'Mara nods. "In approximately 8.73 months, you will have a new baby brother."

T'Anya suddenly remembers the death of their baby sister. "But Mom...T'Sheika died. How do we know this baby won't also die?" Her voice displays her heartache.

Spock puts his arm behind T'Mara's shoulder and replies, "Daughter, nothing is guaranteed, but your mother has a strong belief that this baby will be just fine."

T'Anya stands up, then goes to her mother. "Mom, you make sure you take care of yourself."

T'Mara smiles at her. "I assure you, I will follow the good doctor's instructions."

T'Meika knows that babies can cause stress in a family. Her questioning eyes focus on Spock. "Father...you still seem to be under a lot of pressure. With another baby coming...will all truly be fine?"

He leans back. Her inquiry deeply bothers him. He is deeply pleased by T'Mara's pregnancy, but he knows his addiction might cause him to act irrationally. With a calm voice, he replies, "Believe me, it will be alright. Now your mother and I need to talk privately, so let us say goodnight."

Both girls tell their parents "goodnight" and head to their room.

Spock is still troubled by his daughter question. He remembers the painful incident aboard the _Surak_, when he lost control of his emotions and slammed T'Mara against the wall of their quarters. He has promised never to hurt her again, but can he keep that promise?

He places a hand on her waist. "Precious life grows inside my wife. I could not live with myself if I harmed it in any way." Then a disturbing thought enters his mind. "T'Mara...there is something I need to know. When was the time of conception? Were you pregnant when I…"

T'Mara knows what he is hinting at. She gently touches his face. "You want to know if we conceived before that night in our quarters. Well, the answer is yes – two days before."

He removes his hand from her waist. "Dr. McCoy is absolutely certain the baby is alright?" He could not disguise his guilt.

She wraps her hand around his hand and places it back on her stomach. "Yes, I am fine and so is the baby.

"If we lose this baby, how would I know that I was not the cause?"

"Spock, oh my husband, as I said before, I truly believe he is the blessing we have been waiting for. Let go of your guilt." Her arms go around him and she pulls him close.


	2. Chapter 2

The chimes ring out at 2300 hours on a Friday night. The children are in their beds. T'Mara awakens to find Spock sitting on their bed, filling his arm with the purple liquid. His hair is shorter now, and his beard has been trimmed.

T'Mara leaves the master bedroom and sits on the piano bench. Her fingers begin fumbling over the white keys. She then leans to one side and picks up an antique songbook. She places it on the piano stand. She flips through the pages until a romantic song catches her eye. She begins to play it.

Spock hears the tune from the bedroom. He leaves the room, then walks to the piano. She sees him and moves over so he could sit beside her. She lets him help her play the lovely tune.

When they finish the song, they sit quietly. His eyes never leave her face. "T'Mara...come, let us share our love." He puts his hand out towards her.

She stares at him. She is not quite ready to take his hand. Would he be here if he wasn't feeling the effect of the quastene? Then something in her heart urges her to give him her hand. As they touch, she feels his love. Perhaps there is hope for them. He stands and pulls her up to him. Her cheek is now against his. Softly she speaks words of love to him.

ooooooooo

The following Saturday, they agree to spend as a family. It is a fine mid-September day. Everyone is ready except for Spock. Stefan tugs on T'Mara's shirt sleeve. With impatience he asks, "Where's Daddy? He always first to be ready."

She almost sighs, for she knew his delay was due to the fact that he was shooting up with Paradise. Once again, she will need to lie to her children to cover up for him. With a fake smile, she replies, "He had to finish writing his science journal."

They finally enter Spock's skimmer. T'Mara pilots it out from the garage. Fifty-five minutes later they arrive at a more secluded beach in San Diego. Brilliant sun rays pierce the deep blue sky. The family picks a spot under a canopy. Spock and T'Mara set up the picnic lunch.

After the brief blessing given by T'Mara, they all enjoy the satisfying fare of salads and fruit. Stefan and T'Anya now begin building a sand castle. T'Meika decides to walk along the water's edge and collect seashells. Spock excuses himself, for he needs to burn off his extra adrenaline. He decides to explore the surrounding area.

T'Meika soon returns. She hands some shells to T'Anya. "Here, for your castle."

"Thanks, Sis."

T'Meika goes over to her mother. "Mom, would you join me for a short walk? I want to talk to you privately."

Stefan's head pops up. "Can I come, too?"

T'Anya says to her brother, "Why don't you help me place these pretty shells on our castle. Then we can take a picture of it."

He nods. "Oh, okay."

Mother and daughter head towards the ocean. They place their toes in the surf. T'Meika looks skyward before facing her mom. With a tad of apprehension, she finally speaks. "Mother...please tell me what is really going on with Father. Sometimes he seems himself, but other times his emotions are all over the place. And he keeps locking himself in his office. Please don't say he's just working on a project."

T'Mara's eyes begin to tear up. For a long moment, she just looks at her oldest child. With complete remorse, she finally replies, "My daughter...I have been wanting to tell you the truth, but first I need to speak to your father. If he agrees, I'll tell you. I'll tell T'Anya, too."

T'Meika feels her mother's grief. She goes up to her and embraces her. After letting go, she says, "Mom, whatever is happening with Dad must be breaking your heart."

T'Mara slowly nods. "We...we better head back."

When they return, they see Spock coming.

Spock settles back in his seat. "All well, T'Mara?"

"Yes, all is well. It was an excellent suggestion to come to the beach." She leans her head against the headrest of the chair.

They agree to end the day by strolling on a nearby promenade. However, before they head over to the walkway, T'Meika watches her father return from the skimmer with a blissful expression. He seems like a stranger to her.

The family walks along the path. They stop to watch the sun lowering into the ocean. The beautiful sunset has shades of pink, purple, red, and orange. They chat about their day as they stroll to the vehicle. The ride back makes Stefan sleepy, and he is happy to arrive home and go to bed.

When everything is put away, and the girls are busy in their room, T'Mara joins Spock on the living room sofa. Nervously she says, "T'Meika and T'Anya keep asking questions about you. I think it's time to tell them the truth."

Spock tenses. He inwardly resists the idea of his daughters knowing about his addiction, but he has seen the confusion – and at times, even fear – in their young eyes.

T'Mara touches his forearm. "I'd explain it gently. They won't blame you, I promise."

He stares straight ahead. "They would tell others."

"No. They would understand that it's a private matter."

Spock struggles to push away the negative emotions. Drawing a deep breath, he finally says, "Alright, T'Mara."

She is amazed by his response, for she had feared that he might react with extreme anger. She gently strokes his cheek. "Trust me, it will be alright. Our girls are very intelligent and compassionate."

"I know, my wife." He settles back on the sofa. After she leaves the room, his eyes cloud up with guilt.

T'Mara enters her daughters' room and sits on T'Meika's bed. The girls sense that something of importance is about to happen. They sit on T'Anya's bed, quietly facing their mother. After a silent prayer, T'Mara begins telling them some of what happened on Jarus. She explains how a drug was forced on their father and how addictive Paradise is. Finally, she comes to the end of her heart-aching tale. "So...we all need to pray for your father. Most of all, keep everything I told you to yourselves."

The two girls just stare at each other. With tears in their eyes, they finally face T'Mara. Only T'Meika can speak, "Oh...Mother, of course. Thank you for letting us know."

They all stand. They form a group hug, and the two girls cry.

Afterward, T'Mara finds Spock still in the living area. Drained from the emotional talk, she says to him, "It went well, but I'm worn out. I'm going to bed." Bending down, she gives him a kiss.

Spock is sitting alone when he hears a door open. There is a sound of footsteps. His daughters walk into the room and stand in front of the sofa. A flush of shame washes over him.

T'Anya reaches for her big sister's hand. T'Meika clears her throat and her voice quavers. "We just want you to know that we love you."

Then they are gone, leaving tears on their father's face.

oooooo

The padd that sits on the night table softly illuminates the time. Saturday is turning to Sunday. T'Mara stirs in the bed. Her eyes open, for Spock is moving about in the room. He is now putting on his jacket. With her voice scratchy with sleep, she asks, "Spock...you going out?"

He kneels by her side of the bed. His face is near hers. "I am...in need of a walk. I shall return around 0230 hours." He places a light kiss on her forehead.

"Alright, please be careful."

"Always, my love."

T'Mara finds her way back to sleep. She is dreaming a wonderful dream of her and her husband alone on a private beach on Risa. A buzzing sound interrupts the delightful image. She rolls over to face the night table and realizes her padd is vibrating. She sees a message flashing on the small screen. The communication is originating from the local district police station. Her heart begins racing. What has happened?

She taps the screen. "This is T'Mara Spock."

"Is your husband S'chn T'gai Spock?" As with all humans, he mangles the pronunciation.

T'Mara's stomach twists with nausea. "Yes. Yes, he is. Why? What's happened?

"Ma'am, I regret to notify you that your husband has been detained."

"Detained?" Her voice rises with alarm. "For what?"

"We picked him up at Lanza's Bar," the officer explains. "He was involved with ur...an altercation, but have since determined that he was not the instigator. He's free to go, but is looking pretty sick just now. Can you take him home?"

She glances at the time – 04:18. "Yes…yes, certainly. Tell him I will be there as soon as I can. Thank you." She ends the call. She turns on the light, but lies back down. Her mind is now reeling from what she had been told. She closes her eyes to think and pray. _Oh Lord, my husband! Is this the slow road to his destruction? But if this what needs to take place for him to return to the correct path, so be it. Jesus, help me be at peace when I pick him up. Lord, be with our children while I'm gone."_ She gets herself ready, then tells T'Meika that she will be out picking up Spock.

In the meantime, in a large jail cell in the district police station, Spock sits on the floor in a far corner, one leg out straight and one bent towards his chest. He is shivering hard, but not from the temperature. Ten other occupants share the cell with him. He does not wish to interact with any of the disreputable-looking men. Fortunately, his fellow jail mates were sleeping off their inebriated state, and the two men he fought against are residing in another cubicle

Bitterly, Spock remembers Jim sharing a tale about being locked up with McCoy in a "drunk tank" while on shore leave. In Spock's case, the police had assumed he was inebriated because he had alcohol on his breath. A simple breath test had proved them wrong. He is grateful that they did not perform a more in-depth test that would show the remnant of Paradise in his body.

He watches as an officer approaches his cell.

"Captain Spock."

"Yes, sir?"

"Your wife wants you to be aware that she will arrive here soon."

"Very well, sir, and thank you," Spock replies, greatly relieved, though he did not look forward to facing her. If she were not coming soon, he would have to send for a cab. He badly needed a fix.

ooooo

Her heart pounding, T'Mara enters the precinct headquarters and walks up to the front desk. "Officer, I am Captain Spock's wife. I came to take him home."

"Alright, Ma'am. Take a seat. I'll have someone fetch him. He might need a doctor. We tried to have our medic look at him, but he refused treatment."

Five minutes later, Spock enters the reception area, walking unsteadily beside a policeman. T'Mara rises. Anger flares as she observes a cut on his right cheek and a greenish bruise on his left cheek. Where his jacket gaps open, his black pullover shirt is torn to the waist. He is plainly in need of a fix.

"Sir," the counter officer speaks up. "Your personal effects." The officer hands Spock his wedding band, gold chain, and padd. Spock shakily signs for the items.

Then they walk through the main door, into the predawn chill.

"We're going to talk about this." T'Mara's voice is tight.

He is having trouble keeping pace with her. "Yes, I know, but not now." He looks around. "The children...at home?"

T'Mara's eyes narrow. "Where else would they be?" she snaps. "T'Meika is a responsible young lady. She is watching over them."

Once inside the skimmer, Spock places his head on the headrest. "I should not have stopped at the bar."

"I agree." Her brow furrows as she asks, "How many drinks did you have?"

"I only consumed one glass of bourbon."

T'Mara is gliding the vehicle into the garage when Spock continues, "I did not start the fight. It was in self-defense."

She makes no comment.

Inside their home, all is quiet. Spock heads directly to his office. T'Mara frowns, for she knows that he will be loading his syringe.

After a few moments, she knocks on the office door.

"Come," he calls out.

She enters the room. He is sitting in his desk chair, and she also takes a seat. "Now," she says, "I think you owe me an explanation."

He gives a nod. "After I left the house, I walked for approximately two miles. I became thirsty, so I entered the nearest bar, which happened to be Lanza's."

"Thirsty. So you ordered liquor instead of a non-alcoholic drink?"

"I…was not thinking clearly. And apparently, your husband is not very good at choosing such establishments. Two male customers kept a vigilant eye on me. They were accompanied by two women. All went well enough until the women came over and sat by me – one on each side…"

"And?" T'Mara urges him to continue.

Spock's eyes never leave her face. "Suddenly the tallest man yanked me off the bar stool, and the other punched me in my midsection. I attempted to nerve pinch the taller man, but the other grabbed my arm. As they say, the fight was on. I was able to maneuver myself and could finally take care of the taller man, then I finished off his friend. With both out cold, I knew that I should leave…but as I stepped outside, the police caught me. The barkeep must have contacted the authorities."

She determines that he is being totally truthful with her. "Quite a night. I'm glad you are alright and back home where you belong. Well, at this hour, I might as well just stay up. The children and I will be getting ready for church before long." She rises. "You probably prefer to rest."

He stands, still facing her. "T'Mara, do you want to deprive me of what I need most?"

She is befuddled by his statement. "Deprive you of what?"

"Of church. I want to join you and our children at the service."

Her eyes brighten with fresh hope. That was the last thing she had expected, for he has not stepped near the church since they returned. "Of course. We'd appreciate having you join us."

ooooooo

They enter the old stone church together as a family. As they head down the hallway, a few of the parishioners greet them with a warm welcome. Stephen spots them. He waits till all say hello to Spock and his family. Spock notices Stephen looking in their direction. Spock had allowed T'Mara to share with the pastor about his condition. Stephen is a very observant man. It would not have taken him long to figure it out. He had come to their home a couple of times to make sure all was well.

Stephen goes up to T'Mara first. He clasps her hand. "It's always good seeing you T'Mara."

She smiles at the pastor. "Thank you. How is Joanna?"

"She is well." He greets the children before they head to Sunday school. Once they leave, he whispers to Spock, "You look as if you've been in a fight."

"Perhaps that is because I was."

Stephen figures that his friend probably did not want to discuss the matter further, so he changes the subject. "Well, Spock, you might find today's sermon 'fascinating'…or at least interesting. In any case, I best get myself ready for our service." He walks away, then heads to the sanctuary.

Spock and his family file into the main church, and spot T'Mara's father. Spock sits next to his father-in-law. T'Mara settles on the other side of Spock.

Andre's face brightens. "Son, I am glad that you've finally decided to come."

"Thank you, Father. I felt it was time for me to renew my mind" It is as much as he is able to confess. He then feels Andre's eyes look him over.

"Son...ah, your face...it appears you were..."

"In an altercation. Yes, Father, I was involved in a..." Spock begins feeling eyes upon him that are not of his family.

Andre could not help but notice the two people in the pew in front of them pretending not to be listening. "Son, it is alright. We can discuss this later."

"Hmph," mumbles one of the two older ladies. They move to another pew.

T'Mara leans forward and turns her head towards Andre. "Father...couldn't Mother make it?"

"No, she was scheduled for surgery right about now," Andre informs her.

When the music begins playing, the congregation joins in with the hymn. After the fourth hymn, all sit. A young man goes to the podium. He reads James 1:12-15. He then steps down to head back to his seat.

Stephen walks to the podium. He bows his head. He gives a short prayer. He begins his sermon. "Hello. They are ones out there who are suffering from addictions and other hidden sins we would not want anyone to know about. There are some who, if truly honest, believe they are righteous and are helping the ones who are struggling by spouting out bible verses. But that I will save for another sermon. You are probably wondering what I will say that is different. I might even share the same verses. Maybe it is the approach. In any case, our God is a very patient God. His endurance is beyond our understanding. He lets us fall over and over again. Fall hard, but He keeps picking us up. Yet we should not continue on the crooked path. I hope these verses that I want to share, will stick with you. In John 8:34-36, Jesus declared, 'I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.' Romans 6:16 says, 'Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the ones whom you obey – whether you are slaves to sin which leads to death, or to obedience which leads to righteousness.' James 4:7-8 reads, 'Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you.' And last of all, 1Peter 5 10-11 'And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever.' So, my brothers and sisters in Christ, whatever you are battling now, Jesus will restore you. All you need to do is ask. You are worthy of His love, forgiveness, grace, and especially His mercy. So whatever has held you in bondage, you can be set free – just ask. His truth will set you free. Then the peace you once had will be yours again." Stephen closes his bible and slowly walks to his seat.

The choir stands to sing a song. Then prayers and praises are shared among the congregation. Right before communion is served, Spock excuses himself.

Andre leans to his daughter and whispers. "Do you want me to go after him?"

"No Father, he will be alright. I sense he left for he feels unworthy to take communion." T'Mara pats her father's knee.

"T'Mara, there are times I have felt that way." Andre places his hand on top of T'Mara's.

Spock returns in time for the final hymn, which is "God Only Knows".

God only knows what you've been through  
God only knows what they say about you  
God only knows how it's killing you  
But there's a kind of love that God only knows

After the service, T'Mara and their children are visiting with Stephen's wife, Joanna. Spock turns around to talk to Andre. "Father, will you be home at 1400 hours?"

Andre thinks about his plans for the rest of the day. "Son, I will be. Why?"

He swallows, then takes in a breath. "I would like to converse with you privately. I have much to confess."

Andre responds, "Okay, then I shall see you then." He holds back his uneasy feeling. What could his son-in-law have done that warrants a confession? He stands. "Tell T'Mara goodbye for me. I will see you later." He walks away.

ooooooooo

The appointed hour arrives. Andre's computer acknowledges that there is a visitor standing on the front stoop. The image of Spock appears on the screen. Andre rises and taps the screen. "Spock, I'll be right there." He sees him nod.

Andre opens the front door and welcomes him. They enter the living room, and Spock sits on a club chair adjacent to Andre's favorite chair. Spock leans forward, placing his elbows on his thighs, then steeples his hands and rests his chin on his thumbs. He seems apprehensive.

Andre is also nervous as he silently wonders what his son-in-law might need to confess. Infidelity? No, he figures T'Mara would have shared that with him. Then what?

At last, Spock speaks. He begins by explaining how his face became bruised. It is plain to see that Andre is wondering why he was even out in the middle of the night. Spock's voice falters. "Father… this is most difficult. When we returned from our mission, I did not reveal the complete truth about why I was so…fatigued." He swallows. He then informs Andre that while they were in prison quastene was forced on him, and he has become an addict. He could not help but bow his head in shame.

His father-in-law's eyes fill with empathy. Being a recovered alcoholic, he could relate. "Spock, "I've had a feeling that something was seriously amiss with you. As they say, it takes one to know one. The important thing is to take that all-important step and get straightened out. I am sure that T'Sora will gladly help during your withdrawal."

Spock sinks back in his chair. Although relieved by Andre's positive response, inner tension remains. He is not yet ready to turn away from the quastene. And there is more to confess. He mentally summons his mind rules before continuing. "Father...while we were still on the _Surak,_ I...I hurt T'Mara..." He looks aside.

Andre stiffens and leans forward. "How so?"

Spock hesitates, then continues. "I had just injected myself with quastene. I had strong desires... to have relations, but T'Mara did not wish to, considering my condition. I…took it as a personal rejection. I...I slammed her against a wall. She tried to reason with me, but I was beyond the point of reason. All logic and control had left me. When she pushed back, I backhanded her. Then I… placed my hand around her throat. Thankfully, I saw something in her eyes that caused me to let go…" Hanging his head, he adds, "I have not struck her since or even raised my hand to her. Now I take walks to relieve any…excess energy."

Andre's eyes turn to ice and his hands clench. He considers taking a swing at his son-in-law until a memory pops into his mind. It was the image of himbackhanding T'Mara. She had been a child at the time, just twelve years of age. He had just returned from the local bar and he caught her pouring all his vodka down the kitchen sink. She ran up the stairs to her room, but Andre managed to wedge his foot in the door. He barged in and grabbed her by her shirt. He pulled her towards him and slapped her several times, hard. When tears ran down her cheeks, he struck her one more time, then left her to cry alone. And that was not the only occasion when he hit her.

Andre's anger drains away as he stares at his son. How could he lash out at him when he was even more guilty? "Spock...I forgive you. At first, I was ready to lay into you, but God reminded me of the violent acts I committed against my own daughter when I was drunk – and her, just a child. So how can I judge you? No, 'do not judge lest ye be judged.'" Andre's eyes now show sorrow and compassion.

Spock's whole body relaxes. "Thank you, Father. I have promised not to hit her or our children. It is a promise I intend to keep. I would walk twenty miles before I ever raised a hand to any of them." He stands. "I had better take my leave now."

Andre also rises and then approaches his son. "Can you do one thing?"

"What is that, Father?"

"Pray."

Spock closes his eyes very briefly. Then he lets go a bitter laugh. "Pray? I have not been able to pray since my imprisonment at the colony. I am no longer in bondage on Jarus, yet I am still in bondage…to the drug that was forced on me…the drug that I cannot seem to relinquish. I have lost my faith and no longer feel worthy of grace."

Andre understands his son's pain, for he was once there himself, several years ago. "Remember Luke 5:31-32, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

Spock nods. "Yes, I have heard the verse before. I have memorized it."

Andre shakes his head. "Spock…" He points to Spock's lower right side, where his heart lays. "Head knowledge needs to be heart knowledge. And you do not need to feel worthy. My gosh, if you really think about it, none of us are truly worthy. That's why it is called grace. That is why He came down to earth. That is why God allowed his Son to be nailed to the cross. He wants to give you his mercy. He is waiting on you, Spock. He is waiting for you to return to Him. Like a son goes to his father."

Spock lets go a sarcastic laugh. "Not _my_ father, and especially not with my current problem. It is a symptom of weakness, complete human weakness."

Andre places his hand on Spock's shoulder. "That may be true of _your_ father. But the King of the Universe is not like that. His love is unconditional and everlasting. I have been there, as you know. Well, that is all the preaching I am going to do. I will be praying for you, T'Mara, and the children. Take care, Spock." He lets his hand drop.

"Thank you. I will attempt to pray tonight," Spock promises, then heads for the door.


	3. Chapter 3

T'Mara hears Spock enter their home. He joins her on the love seat. Seeing his contented face, she smiles. They briefly kiss.

"It seems your visit with father went well."

"Yes, Andre is a wise and compassionate man. I told him of my addiction and also confessed what transpired between you and me on the _Surak_."

She looks surprised, but nods.

"T'Mara, it was amazing. His transformation from deep anger to complete understanding. He claimed it was from God. That the Almighty reminded him of what he had done to you as a child. It was mainly the memory of what he did to you when you were twelve years old."

"Yes, I remember…when I dumped his stash of vodka down the kitchen sink." She subconsciously rubs her cheek.

"Well, he has become a better man." Spock rubs his bearded chin with his thumb and forefinger. He ponders if there was any hope for his own redemption.

T'Anya, hearing her father and mother's voices, comes out of her room. "Father, did you enjoy your time with Grandfather?" She goes to the black club chair.

"Andre and I shared some regrets that we have in common. Your grandfather has a propensity for preaching."

T'Mara's eyes widened. "He preached at you?"

"I did not intend that in a negative way. He could have become a pastor."

With her hand on his knee, she lightly squeezes. "Well, I am glad your conversation was fruitful."

The rest of his family enters the living room. Spock continues chatting with his family until his body, and mind cry out for the drug that he has begun to despise. He excuses himself. He heads to his refuge. He opens the safe, then sits at the desk and prepares the hypo. He commands the computer to play music.

Hearing the music escaping from the locked office, T'Anya turns to T'Mara. "Mother...listen to the words of the song. It seems weird that he would play that song while..."

T'Mara listens intently to the song. It could be a promising sign.

…Let me see redemption win  
Let me know the struggle ends  
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise  
From the ashes of a broken life  
And all that's dead inside can be reborn  
'Cause I'm worn…

In the office, Spock sits at the desk, rolling his sleeve back up over his left arm. He holds the empty hypo in his right hand. He holds it right at eye level. His eyes flame as he focuses on the hypo. His right hand begins to squeeze it. The hypo begins to bend and crack under his tight grip. The metal, along with the cracked vial, cuts into his palm. He allows the broken pieces to fall onto the desk. Now his blood mixes with the leftover droplets of Paradise. He watches the droplets drip onto the desk. He then slams his left fist on the desk.

"I am a damn...fool."

He slowly rises from his chair. He shuts the safe door. He notices this time that the high he is experiencing is not as satisfying. He wonders if it was the dosage, or perhaps he subconsciously no longer desired the euphoric feeling. He loses track of time, then hears T'Mara's voice calling out his name. Dinner is ready, he presumes. He goes to the main bathroom. He rinses his right hand under the warm water, then attempts to dab his cut palm dry. He exits, then heads to the dining room and sits next to his wife. T'Mara offers her hand so they could say grace, and she notices his cuts. She does not comment. She gives the blessing. They begin passing the food to one another.

Tanya's face cringes. "Father, your hand. It…it's bleeding."

T'Mara has already left the room, and returns with the first aid kit. Calling Spock aside, she tends to the cuts and applies antibiotic ointment. As she runs a small pocket laser over the wounds to seal them, she quietly asks, "My husband, what happened?"

He drops his hand to his side. "It is nothing. Just an accident."

They both head back to the table. As Spock eats, he watches his family. Stefan, their young son, whose features are much like his own. His daughters, whom he cherishes. His beautiful wife, whose love for him ran deep. Her patience is that of the angel. His eyes travel to her waist, and the new life growing within her. Their little baby son. With a sudden loss of appetite, he drops his fork onto his plate.

T'Mara turns to face him. "Is the food not agreeable?"

He fronts a small smile. The drug usually causes him to have a hearty appetite. "No T'Mara, it is quite agreeable. I will probably finish my meal later tonight. I need to clean the mess I left in the office." He gets up from his chair and leaves his family alone.

T'Meika's heartfelt eyes search her mother's face. "It hurts me, seeing Father...so different."

T'Anya helps Stefan clean his face with his napkin. She wonders how their father's odd behavior will affect him. She too looks at her mother. "Oh, Mom…what can we do to help him?"

"Yes, it hurts your mother also. T'Anya, just pray for him tonight. Keep hoping that what your grandfather shared with your father will affect him in a positive way."

"Yes, Mother, I will pray." T'Anya assures her.

T'Meika's faith has never been as strong as her younger sister's. She was much like her father. So she wonders if prayer was the answer, but she adds, "Me, too. I will pray."

As they clean up the kitchen, T'Mara gets an unnerving sense that something ominous was going to happen that night. She shakes her head, as if to push the unpleasant feeling away. She begins singing a praise song. After finishing the chores, they proceed to the living room.

Spock enters the room carrying a case. "T'Mara, would you like to play an old-fashioned game of chess?"

She agrees. He sits down, then places the case on the coffee table. Inside is the antique chess board that T'Mara gave him on his last birthday. She could not help but smile.

"Black or white?" he asks.

"Black."

He turns the board around, so the black pieces are closer to her. T'Anya, seeing her parents are about to play, gets off the floor to sit in the club chair. Stefan gathers his stuffed bear and sits next to his mother on the sofa. T'Meika joins him. With padd in hand, she begins writing her deepest thoughts in her journal.

As the game goes on, Spock's mind loses focus on the game. He begins to revisit the words shared by Andre.

T'Mara moves her bishop. "Checkmate!"

He just stares at the board. "Huh? Ah, yes." He topples over his king.

T'Mara feels that the game ended too soon and her victory was too easy. "Is everything alright?"

Spock is still staring at the board. "Hm…" Then he acknowledges his wife. "Yes, but I need to do something." He gets up.

Her eyes follow him. "Okay, my love. I'm going to read for a while."

T'Anya stands and takes hold of Stefan's hand. "Come, little boy, it's past your bedtime." She faces her mom. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Sis." T'Meika goes back to her writing.

T'Mara places her padd on her lap. She starts reading a fictional Amish story. But thoughts of her husband's addiction made it difficult for her to concentrate on the romance of the young Amish girl and her forbidden English beau.

Meanwhile, Spock enters the meditation room with hesitation, as if it was his very first time. He goes to the small black dresser. He presses a button and a drawer opens, revealing his meditation robe. He pulls it out and holds it in his hands.

"It has been a long time, my friend," he mutters to himself.

He pulls the robe over his head, then commands the lights to dim. He lights the meditation candles. He kneels on the pad. He closes his eyes and tries to clear his mind. He is able to relax, but he cannot achieve a full meditation state. Even so, he prays, "Oh Supreme Father, I wish to have this addiction removed from me…" He breathes in, then gradually lets his breath go. "No matter what it might cost me."

He is not aware that T'Anya is praying at the same time.

Sitting on her bed, she bows her head. "Oh Lord, please take away this drug from my father. Take away any access to the drug. I know you are able to do this, for all is possible with you. I no longer wish to see my father addicted to the quastene. This has been painful for my mother. I see her eyes, Lord – the pain this horrible drug has caused her. We love him. I know you love him. I believe, Lord. Amen."

T'Anya ends her prayer. She goes to the window to view the stars. "I do believe, Jesus," she whispers. She enters her inviting bed. She brings the covers up to her chin and closes her eyes.

In the office, Spock continues his prayer. "Creator of the universe, hear this desperate man. This man who has caused heartache to the ones closest to him. No more. No more pain, lies or secrets. I am ready to repent and return to you. Amen." He stands and removes the black velvet robe. He folds the robe, then places it in the top drawer. He blows out the candles.

Later that night, T'Mara readies herself for bed. Spock is already under the covers when she snuggles up next to him. In the dim light, she studies his eyes and it seems that he has changed for the better. Or was it hopeful thinking?

He touches her shoulder. "T'Mara...I truly love you."

She takes her two fingers and caresses the side of his face. "You know, Spock, the moment I first saw you, I wanted you. You had me then and now, forever." Their lips meet with love.

"T'Mara, your beauty has endured. And now that you are pregnant with our child, you are even more beautiful." Their lips meet again.

"You might not think so when my stomach expands and I need help getting out of bed." She places her head on his pillow.

Spock moves his body closer to hers. He places his hand on her waist. His fingers begin tracing her stomach. "And yet your husband has seen his wife during each of her pregnancies and saw her as an exquisitely beautiful woman." He moves his hand from her waist to the side of her face. "My aisha, are you up to making sweet love to her husband?"

Her eyes twinkle. "My angel, yes."

oooooo

Spock rouses from a dream. He sits up so quickly, he becomes lightheaded. He sways as he stands, but is able to regain his balance. His heart begins to palpitate. He takes a deep breath, hoping to settle his heart down. He does not quite succeed. He staggers to the office and unlocks the door. He goes to the safe. He enters the passcode, and the safe door opens. The only items in the safe are medals, a diskette with T'Mara's and his last will and testament, and his mother's wedding band. The syringes are gone. The herbs to create Paradise are also gone. _Impossible,_ he thinks, for yesterday he had checked his supply. There was enough to last him for a month.

A headache forms in front of his head. He cannot seem to remember the formula for Paradise. He goes to the desk and taps the computer screen. He scrolls to locate his secret formula. The folder is empty. The computer informs him that the formula has been deleted. He clenches his hands. He abruptly stands, which causes the chair to roll against the wall. Irrational anger roils through him. He picks up the desk chair and hurls it against the wall. It splits into two pieces. He then places his hands under the center edge of the desk. He lifts it up, and with one quick movement tosses it to its side. All its contents scatter onto the floor.

In his bedroom, Stefan wakes from the noise of crashing furniture. He begins crying out for his mother. In the other bedroom, both girls wake with a jolt. "What was that!" T'Anya exclaims.

T'Meika is now sitting up. "It sounded like furniture crashing."

In the master bedroom, T'Mara swings her legs over the side of the bed and commands the lights on. She throws on her robe. Judging by the noise, her husband is tossing furniture about. She hears Stefan crying. She is about to go to him when Spock bursts into the room, looking furious. He strides toward her and grabs hold of her upper arms. She catches her breath as his fiery eyes bore into her.

"T'Mara! It's all gone! My formula, hypos, vials, and even the herbs. How did you do it, my wife?" His fingers press hard into her flesh.

"I didn't," she replies with unusual calmness. "You know very well, I haven't had access to your office since we returned. You never shared the passcode with me."

"You are a very intelligent lady, T'Mara. With motivation, you could figure out the code. You poured out your father's alcohol, and now you think that removing the drug will force me to give it up." His voice grinds with anger.

"I didn't touch your precious quastene. I was twelve when I poured out my father's vodka. I've learned since then that it doesn't help to rid an addict of his stash." She manages to keep composed, despite the pain from his fingers.

"Perhaps you need an incentive to confess the truth." His right hand draws back, and he slaps her face. The hit causes her to lose her footing. He steadies her, but not out of kindness.

"Please…I swear, I didn't touch any of it!"

"Is more incentive needed, T'Mara?" He is about to swing his arm again when someone pulls on it. He looks down, surprised to see T'Anya's pale but determined face.

"Father…" she begs, "please don't hurt Mother. It was me."

He stares down at her. "Do not lie to me. You don't have the means to enter the office, let alone break into the safe."

Tears fill her eyes. "I'm not lying. I prayed to God. He gave me the courage to go to your office. When I went to the door, it was already unlocked. Inside, I found that the safe was open. I removed all the herbs and hypos. I dumped them into the kitchen disposer and then I pressed the button. They were vaporized. I believed, and God answered my prayers. Father, I love you. I couldn't stand watching you change before my eyes."

Spock releases his hold on T'Mara. He goes over in his mind everything he did before going to bed. He had rechecked all the locks. Everything was secure.

T'Mara gazes at him. With some trepidation she discloses, "I also made certain that the office door was locked. I just…did not want any of our children entering, for their safety."

Spock stands frozen. He was not annoyed that his wife came behind him checking on his office door, for the last thing he would want was their offspring walking in on him or snooping around. But if he and T'Mara both checked the door, how did T'Anya enter his office? His voice becomes sharp and demeaning. "T'Anya, you must have had help. Was it T'Meika?"

T'Anya shook her head. "Father…this drug has taken away your logic. But is it really so illogical that God answered my prayers? No one but the Lord helped me. It's true!"

His eyes travel to his daughter, then to his wife. Then like rushing flood water, the memory of what he had prayed that evening came to his mind. He had asked the Lord to remove the drug from him at any cost. It would seem that on this night, two prayers were answered.

His voice trembles. "T'Anya, I believe you. And I ask for forgiveness."

She wraps her arms around her father's waist. "Oh Father, I do forgive you."

Spock's trembling fingers land on his daughter's small shoulder. "Keep praying. Your father will need God's loving support to get him through the withdrawal process."

T'Mara takes T'Anya by the hand. "Come." She walks her out and finds T'Meika standing just outside the open door, in the hallway. She closes the door behind them.

T'Meika wraps her arms around her younger sister. "Oh, little Sis, what you did was so brave. Dad could have hurt you."

All the tears she has held back finally leave T'Anya's eyes. She sniffles, then responses, "Dad's going to get better now."

T'Meika's eyes also swim with tears. "Yes...I truly hope that is the case." She faces her mother. "I was able to get Stefan back to sleep." She then notices her mother's bruised cheek. "Will you be alright?"

"I am not sure I can honestly answer that now. It's going to be a long night, or should I say morning? I'm contacting your grandfather; he'll help. Both of you best go to your room. Try to sleep if you can."

"What about school?" T'Anya asks.

"Set your alarm. It might be best if you go to school, for it won't be very pleasant here."

Both nod and head to their bedroom.

T'Mara goes to the living room to retrieve her padd. She sends her father a top priority signal.

"T'Mara...what has happened?" he groggily answers.

"I need you and T'Sora. Spock is withdrawing cold turkey, and I won't be able to handle him alone."

"Oh! Okay, T'Mara, we will be there ASAP. Hang in there."

Next, T'Mara contacts her cousin Anthony, for they will need a strong man to help with Spock. She briefly explains the situation. Anthony tells T'Mara that he would catch the first flight from Philly.

After sending one more message, she puts aside her padd and returns to the bedroom. Spock is sitting at the end of the bed. His head is buried in his hands. He is now wearing sweatpants and a shirt. She sits down beside him. She touches his shoulder.

He could not face her at the moment. "T'Mara I...I promised that I would never hurt you."

"Shh. We can discuss that later. I think we have a more pressing situation to be concerned over." She brushes back his bangs and feels his damp forehead. "You are sweating."

"Yes."

She places her arm around his upper body. "You are shivering. Spock, you really should consider detoxing at a treatment center. Everything is held in strict confidentiality. Star Fleet will not hold it against you. I know, because I've counseled a couple of officers who dealt with addiction. They were able to return to their posts." She holds him close. She hopes her body heat would help him.

"All that may be true, but I am not the average fleet officer. I am... Captain Spock. I served on the finest ships of the fleet. I recall an incident with Admiral Jacobson. When he entered rehab, an employee leaked it out. Yes, Star Fleet did allow him to return, but he lost the respect of some of his subordinates and fellow officers. And that is not just a human failing; Vulcans have also been known to react with prejudice towards an addict. It is not my reputation that concerns me, but I represent Sarek's family and his forefathers. I just cannot risk it." He takes a deep breath.

T'Mara is able to keep her composure. "I thought that might be your response. I had hoped I could convince you, but I am not taking this ride alone. I've contacted my father. He and Mother should be here within an hour. Anthony is also on his way –"

Spock's head came up. "You informed him!"

"Yes, I did…and I also left a message with Stephen. Once you hit the height of your withdrawal, I won't be able to handle you by myself. Your next symptoms will be tremors, hallucinations, and severe pain. It will be hard to restrain you. T'Sora is bringing intravenous solutions to rehydrate you. She will keep a vigilant eye on your physical condition."

Spock begins coughing. She becomes worried, for it seems he is struggling to catch his breath. He finally manages to stop coughing and takes in a deep breath. "I…I am alright." He closes his eyes. He starts regulating his breathing to help with his nauseous feeling.

T'Mara strokes his cheek with her finger. He abruptly stands and leaves for the bathroom. This time nausea wins the battle. She bows her head as she hears her husband empty the contents of his stomach. She prays that her father and stepmother will arrive soon. He emerges from the bathroom, looking like death warmed over.

Climbing into the bed, he asks, "T'Mara, please lie next to me."

She goes under the covers with him. His arm wraps around her upper body. A few moments pass, and it seems that his body goes tense. He feels that every nerve ending is sending pain messages to his brain. His voice becomes taut. "T'Mara...I need you to leave now. The pain is becoming more than I can control."

Thinking that a mind touch might ease his condition, she raises her hand towards his forehead. "Perhaps I could just ..."

"No... please, it would not be wise."

"Alright." She gets out of bed. "Father and T'Sora will be here soon."

"Good...I will be alright until then." He closes his eyes. He hopes to regain the disciplines to control his discomfort. He clenches his hands as more tremors came upon him. T'Mara hesitates. Feeling her presence, he reopens his eyes. "Go," he says in a pained whisper.

She nods and leaves the room. She goes down to the kitchen to brew some herbal tea. She takes her cup and sits on the club chair. She hears her husband's movements. Then she hears him stumbling to the bathroom.

"Father, please hurry," She says softly. She wraps one hand around her gold cross pendant. She closes her eyes and prays.

Vibrations from her padd snap her from her silent prayers. She taps the screen and her father's face appears.

"We're just arriving," he tells her.

Soon, she hears two sets of footsteps approaching. She puts her cup on the coffee table. She goes to the front door, opens it wide, and embraces her father. "Oh, I'm so glad you are both here!"

T'Mara fills them in on Spock's condition as they walk upstairs to his room. Spock does not acknowledge their presence. His mind is now consumed by the agonizing need for quastene. T'Sora digs in her medical bag. She prepares the portable IV. She walks to the front of the bedside. She is about to inject the IV into Spock's arm when he shoves it away.

Andre leans over him. "Son...T'Sora needs to place an IV so your body can rehydrate."

"No," he says through his teeth.

"Son, you need this to survive." T'Sora's voice is gentle yet firm.

He does not respond, but allows her to continue. Andre pats his son's shoulder. He then turns to T'Mara. "Daughter, go get some rest. We'll handle this."

"Thank you. I'll fix some breakfast in a while." She heads back to the living room and leaves a contact message on the Commandant's padd, saying that Spock would be bedridden for the next three days. She lets him know that Dr. T'Sora will send an updated message. She leaves an identical message with Admiral Jamieson, adding that she also needs to take family leave. She then lies down on the sofa.

A few moments later T'Anya shakes T'Mara's shoulders "Mother...Mother, wake up."

T'Mara rubs her eyes. She sees her daughter's frightened face. "What's wrong?"

"I'm scared. I heard Father yelling at Grandfather. I peeked into the room, and I saw Grandfather struggling to hold him down on the bed," her voice quivers.

T'Mara sits up. "It's what happens while withdrawing from an addictive drug. But everything will be alright."

T'Meika enters, rubbing her eyes. "Come on, Sis, back to bed. I'll have the computer play some soft music in our room."

T'Anya's weary eyes look to her sister, and they head up the stairs.

By the time Anthony arrives, Spock is resting quietly, thanks to a careful mind-touch by T'Sora. Food is on the kitchen table for all who wish to eat. The children greet their cousin before T'Mara takes him upstairs to Spock. Spock appears to be sleeping. Andre sits in a corner of the bedroom, his shirt rumpled and his forearms bruised.

"Uncle Andre, you look like you could use some rest," Anthony speaks very quietly as he holds his hand out to him.

They clasp hands. "Anthony, you are so right. Let me go over what to expect." In a low voice, Andre informs him of everything that had transpired in recent hours.

"Go, get some sleep. I got this." He looks to Spock. "I hope," he mutters.

Downstairs, T'Mara gathers her children, leaves T'Sora in charge, and then drives them to school. Their first stop is Star Fleet Daycare. She walks Stefan inside and tells him, "Have a good day. I'll come for you at my normal time."

He peers up at his mother's face. Although she has disguised her bruises with makeup and appears to be calm, the young boy feels there is something wrong. "Mommy...is Daddy okay now?"

T'Mara strokes his cheek with two fingers. "Daddy is still sick, but Grandmother T'Sora and Grandfather will help him getter better. I need to take your sisters to school now. So, bye."

"Bye-bye, Mommy." He walks over to a couple of his friends.

The short ride to high school was a quiet one. At last, T'Mara stops at the designated drop off point. She looks at T'Meika, who is nibbling her lower lip. "Try not to worry, honey."

T'Meika shrugs. "I can't help but wonder if Father will ever be the same."

Before T'Mara can respond, T'Anya replies in a positive tone. "He's gonna be fine. You'll see, he will be back to the dad we have always known."

Her older sister is not in the mood for T'Anya's carefree attitude. "Why don't you shut up!"

"T'Meika!" her mother scolds.

T'Meika barely manages to hold back tears. "Sorry, Mom...sorry, T'Anya. But seeing him hurt you last night…it breaks my heart."

T'Mara understands her daughter's feelings. "I know...it _is_ hard. But try to remember that God is working on him. Now, you better get going. Try to have a good day."

She lightly embraces her mom, then she turns around. "Have a good day, Sis."

"Bye, T'Meika." She smiles.

T'Mara and T'Anya drive on to the middle school.


	4. Chapter 4

Midday arrives with a loud, aggravated voice emerging from the master bedroom. T'Mara grimaces as she hears Spock curse at Anthony. She had rarely ever heard him say "damn" or "hell" during their marriage. Now the words spewing from him are far worse.

She warms up some food, and they take turns eating. T'Sora goes upstairs to relieve Anthony. Looking disheveled, he comes to the kitchen.

T'Mara goes over to her cousin, and they embrace. "Anthony, how is he?"

He straightens his torn shirt. "Spock is one strong man. I'd hate to wrestle with him when he is at his best. He was experiencing hallucinations, but he's settled down for the moment." Anthony gives her a crooked smile. "T'Mara, he has been asking for you..."

T'Mara's heart begins to race. She does not really feel up to this, but she turns and goes up to the bedroom.

"Here I am," she says.

Spock reaches for her arm, so she moves to the front of the bed. He grasps her arm tightly and gives it a yank. He leans to his side, so his face is close to hers. He places his hand behind her neck.

T'Sora moves forwards. "Spock...no, do not hurt her."

T'Mara glances her way. "It's okay." She turns her attention back on Spock and speaks as calmly as possible. "My husband, what is it that you need?"

He places his lips close to her ear and whispers, "T'Mara...please obtain some cannabis for me... it will ease my nausea and pain. Please..." He lets go of her and lies back.

T'Mara is startled by his request, but she had read about its medicinal qualities. She looks over at her stepmother. With her full-blooded Vulcan hearing, she had probably overheard.

T'Sora shakes her head no. "Not wise. It would interfere with his detoxification."

T'Mara looks at Spock's bloodshot eyes, with deep dark circles around them. She hates seeing him in such a state.

"Hell, don't listen to her..." he demands. "You are my wife!"

"Alright Spock," she says only to pacify him, "I will consider it." She kisses his cheek and leaves.

When she enters the living room, her father rises from a chair. He goes up to his daughter. "Are you alright?"

She does not respond right away. She finally looks at him. "H'm oh Father yes...yes I am."

He places a hand on her shoulder. "T'Mara, I know it is distressful seeing him like this."

She stares at him. "Father…he asked me to get him some cannabis. Can you imagine? My Spock, who was always so proud to deal with pain in the Vulcan way."

Andre lets his hand drop. "Yes, I can imagine. Getting off chemical dependence can be torturous. But he'll come through this, you'll see."

Sighing, T'Mara sinks onto the sofa and picks up her padd from the table. She scans her messages. There is one from her pastor, Stephen. She is encouraged to see that he will be coming over this evening.

When Anthony finishes his meal, he joins her on the sofa. She has been wanting to ask him something. "Anthony, I'd like to know...These hallucinations...does Spock tell you what he is seeing?"

Anthony hesitates, then swallows. "Uh…yes. They seem to be like flashbacks. He keeps reliving the time when he entered the engine chamber aboard the _Enterprise_." His eyes return to his cousin's sad face. "He begins to thrash, as if he's feeling the radiation burning him." He sees that T'Mara is becoming overwhelmed by emotions.

"Strange," she manages to say. "I was not aboard the _Enterprise_ when he died. But from what Jim and Leonard have told me, Spock was stoic – the fierce pain he experienced was under his control. All those years ago, I just..." She cannot finish her thought.

Anthony leans forward. "Cousin, I'm so sorry."

"It's alright. I wanted the truth." She bows her head. "How much more will he have to endure till this awful drug finally loosens its grip?"

"I wish I could honestly answer that. I might not show it, Cuz, but it tears my soul seeing him like that."

T'Mara simply nods. "I know. Anthony, you and Spock have a lot in common. You both try not to show much emotion."

He gives her a half smile. "You might be right; maybe that's why we seemed to hit it off from the get-go. Over the years, I have come to see him as my brother."

"Yes, I know. I think down deep he feels the same about you. I'm sure, when he's better, he will appreciate the fact that you helped him."

Anthony graces her with a reassuring smile.

ooooo

Three difficult days slowly pass. As the wall clock shows 1805 hours, the door monitor announces that their pastor has arrived for his nightly visit. She lets him inside their chaotic home, and they lightly embrace.

"Welcome Stephen, please excuse the untidy home."

"T'Mara, your family is in the middle of a stress-filled time. I don't think your first priority would be having a neat home. But do you have any of your famous iced tea?"

She shrugs, then smiles. "Yes, I just finished making a pitcher full. They both go to the kitchen. She pours each of them a glass, and they sit across from one another at the table.

Stephen's eyes are directly on T'Mara's face. "So, how is he today?"

She closes her eyes for a few seconds. As she opens them, she says, "Oh, Stephen. It's so hard seeing him like this. He has always been in control. He has always been able to share his strength with me. I would be the one leaning on him." She pauses to think. "Maybe that has been a flaw – always needing to be in control. He's had a hard time turning his smallest problems over to Christ. It has been bred into him to be self-sufficient and solve everything with logic. Then there is his father, too. He is the main reason Spock refused to go to a treatment center. 'The Son of Sarek, an Addict' – that would be the headline if the news leaked out. All his life, Spock has had to live up to his father's expectations."

Stephen reaches over and lightly touches her hand. "You know, T'Mara, unfortunately there are Christian families that would treat an addicted family member with the same harsh judgment. They would shame the addict. You know the ones, the ones that are so legalistic. Those people cannot see sin as sin. They have a hierarchy of sins. They forget to take the log out of their own eyes. They forget that Jesus came not only for the righteous, but the unrighteous. T'Mara... human or Vulcan, they all see addiction as a weakness of character."

"Yes, Stephen, you're right. His father is not unique in that type of thinking. It's just that he has always been so hard on Spock."

"Yes, I'm sure. That is why we are blessed to have a Father in heaven who is not like that. A father who loves us unconditionally, with an everlasting love." He sits back. "So, would it be alright for me to go see him now?"

"Yes, Stephen, go to him. As always, I'm not sure how he will receive you."

He rises and goes upstairs. With the girls in their room and Stefan in bed, T'Mara begins paging through her padd for the Amish book she has been reading. After reading a few pages, she hears loud voices from the master bedroom. She places her padd down and heads upstairs. She does not enter but stands close to the door, listening. T'Mara hears her husband's angry voice. "Get out! Get the hell out!" There is the sound of footsteps, and she backs away from the door. A moment later Stephen exits the room.

T'Mara studies the pastor's face. "I assume that your visit did not go well."

Together, they walk downstairs and sit on the living room sofa.

Stephen gathers his thoughts before speaking. "Actually, T'Mara, our conversation started remarkably well. He allowed me to pray for him. He even allowed me to anoint him with oil…"

"And?" T'Mara prompted.

Stephen shook his head. "When I started to anoint him, he claimed that the oil burned. He slapped my hand away, and the vial of oil went flying. Then you probably heard him yell to get out."

T'Mara slightly lowers her head. "I didn't intend to eavesdrop, but as his voice grew louder, I went to the door just to make sure you were alright."

"I understand, T'Mara." His eyes shine with reassurance. "And believe me when I tell you this: I truly think he will become a better man, despite the fears you are experiencing right now." He pats T'Mara's hand. "My family will be praying for all of you. I need to leave now, for my wife is expecting me." He stands, as does T'Mara.

She walks him to the door, then decides to check on her husband. When she enters the bedroom, T'Sora is changing out the IV. Anthony is resting in a chair in the corner of the room.

T'Mara goes to the bedside and brushes Spock's damp bangs as she greets him.

He struggles to turn onto his side. He is able to prop himself with his arm. "T'Mara...the children...how are they?

"They are managing. I am trying to keep things as routine as possible, especially for little Stefan."

He takes in a slow, long breath. "Wise…I am sure he does not understand what is happening."

"I told him you are ill and that the family is here taking care of you."

He feels another bout of nausea and tremors coming on, so he lies back down. "You should leave now...I..."

She hears tension in his voice. "Okay...I'll let you be." She kisses his damp forehead.

His eyes follow her as she leaves the room.

ooooo

Late in the night, T'Mara awakens on the sofa. She is not sure if she was dreaming or if she truly heard Spock call out her name. She pulls back her blanket. Seeing that her father is nearby, sound asleep in a sleeping bag, she cautiously steps over him and is heading for the kitchen when Anthony comes down the stairs.

He is smiling. "Cuz, your husband is asking for you again."

She feels befuddled. "He's alright?"

"Yes. Come on!" He practically drags her up to the bedroom. Once inside, he points to the bathroom door and says, "I think he's been healed!"

"In the bathroom?"

"Go, T'Mara; he's waiting for you." His smile widens.

Fresh from the shower and wearing clean night clothes, Spock studies his reflection in the mirror. He runs his hand over his new growth of beard. He picks up his comb and arranges his damp hair.

The door opens and he sees the reflection of T'Mara cautiously approaching him. As he turns around, she retreats a step. How regrettable, he thinks, that his wife has come to fear him. He slowly moves closer and reaches for her hand. "T'Mara…my loving wife. Look into my eyes. I no longer crave the drug. That demon has been released from my soul. My hands will now be instruments of love. They will no longer inflict pain on my wife or anyone I hold dear." His voice is tender and tears well in his eyes. His heart aches because of the anguish he has caused T'Mara and his children.

Joy rises in T'Mara, for she sees he is sincere. The ordeal is truly over. For a long moment, they simply hold one another.

At last, they exit the bathroom. Anthony and T'Sora have just placed clean sheets on the bed. All the medical equipment has been removed. The room is as it was before.

T'Sora gives a slight smile. "T'Mara, I ran a diagnostic scan on Spock. The drug is completely gone from his system, but he should pay a visit to Dr. McCoy soon. Now, since my services are no longer needed, I will join my husband in the living room."

"Of course. We thank you for all your help," T'Mara tells her.

Anthony looks to both his cousins. "I'm also heading to my sleeping bag." His eyes turn to Spock. "Cuz, you actually look almost presentable." He smiles.

"Thank you." Spock's lips turn up in a smile. Then he reaches for Anthony's hand. "I truly thank you for all you have done for me."

Anthony clasps Spock's hand. "You are not just a cousin to me, but a brother."

"Indeed, that we are, and I appreciate it." Spock lets go of his hand.

Anthony turns and pats T'Mara on her back as he leaves. With the room empty, Spock goes to his wife. She wraps her arms around his midsection. They both become lost in each other's eyes.

"My aisha," he softly aska, "will you sleep with me? I need you by my side."

"Gladly." She joins him under the covers. He holds her close to his body until they fall asleep.

oooooo

Spock and T'Mara awaken to the aroma of Vulcan omelets. They put on their robes, wash up, and then proceed to the dining room. A morning feast is laid out on the table. Anthony, Andre, T'Sora, and the children are already seated. Seeing their father looking well, the children jump up and run to him with hugs. After they are settled again, Spock pulls out a chair for his wife, then sits down himself. All join hands.

Andre looks to everyone sitting around the table. "So...uh, who will have the honor of saying grace?"

Spock glances at his father-in-law. "I will take the honor."

Everyone bows their heads as Spock begins his prayer. "Oh great Creator, we thank you for this good food and the hands that prepared it. Thank you for your enduring mercy and everlasting love." He pauses, then unexpectedly he softly begins to chant. "My Chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy reigns. Unending love, amazing grace." Everyone joins him. Spock opens his eyes and lifts his head. He is totally dumbfounded by what he has just done.

Anthony becomes elated. He is sitting to Spock's right. He nudges Spock's arm with his elbow. "Hey Cuz, attack of the Holy Spirit?"

Spock manages to regain his control. "I...I would say that is an accurate assumption."

"Can we eat now, Daddy?" Stefan asks impatiently.

"Yes please, everyone eat." Spock is relieved that his son interrupted. He no longer wishes to be the focus of the conversation.

After the meal, Andre, T'Sora, and Anthony pack up the sleeping bags and gather their belongings. Andre and T'Sora step over to Spock and his family.

"We have to leave now." Andre holds his hand out to Spock. They clasp hands tightly. "Son…I truly wasn't certain you would survive the ordeal of withdrawing at home. T'Sora wanted to take you to a treatment center, but she couldn't force you. You are one obstinate man…and so help me, you seem to endure. And now I sense a remarkable change in you, a positive change – as if your soul has been renewed." He lets go of Spock's hand.

"It has, Father. I thank you for your patience and kindness." Spock then turns to face T'Sora. "Mother, thank you for rescheduling your work in order to help me. I ask forgiveness for any unbecoming behavior and spiteful words that I may have afflicted on you both."

T'Sora does not hide the compassion she has for her son-in-law. "The family takes precedence over my occupation. I grant you the forgiveness you ask for. Take care, Spock" She pats his shoulder, then turns to face T'Mara. "My daughter, I am pleased that all is well now. T'Mara, you are a strong woman. You did not become overwhelmed by the crisis. You kept your emotions in check." She lightly embraces her stepdaughter.

"Mother." She smiles. "It was Jesus who gave me the strength. Also, having my family here providing the support I needed."

T'Meika, T'Anya, and Stefan hug their grandparents and share their farewells.

Anthony also says his farewells to his uncle and aunt.

Once Andre and T'Sora leave the home, Anthony turns to face the rest of the family. "Spock, T'Mara, when things settle down, come and visit. Sidney, Ashley, and Tony would appreciate having you all comes to Lancaster. It's relaxing out there. You and your family could use a peaceful break." Anthony hugs each of them.

Spock emerges from Anthony's bear hug. "Perhaps we will visit after our child is born."

"That would be wonderful. Yes, we'd love to see your new addition to the family. Well, I best take my leave; my shuttle flight is in 45 minutes." He turns to the children. "Goodbye, kids."

"Goodbye, Cousin Anthony," the youngsters say in unison.

ooooo

Shortly after noon, T'Mara drives Spock in their Camaro to Star Fleet Medical Center for an appointment with Doctor McCoy. Throughout the trip, he is busy on his padd. As she parks the classic antique car, he puts his padd in the glove box, and they walk side by side to the building. They proceed to McCoy's office, where a petite young yeoman greets them.

"Ah, Captain and Mrs. Spock. Dr. McCoy is waiting for you in the third examination room." She points them in the right direction.

McCoy stands and greets them. "Spock, T'Mara so help me, I'm glad to see you both. Spock, as a man who just emerged from the depths of hell, you appear quite well."

There was a time many years ago Spock when would have informed the good doctor that hell was a mythological location. It just did not exist. But now he says, "Doctor I don't believe that even what I suffer through these past days could compare to the sufferings of hell." He removes his shirt and lies down on the examination bed. The monitor above the bed lights up with his vitals.

"T'Mara, thank you for having T'Sora update me on his condition." McCoy's eyes stay on the monitor.

"You're welcome, Doctor."

McCoy studies Spock's readings. "Good...heart rate at 243, blood pressure back to your normal." Then he moves closer to evaluate the blood screen. "Excellent, there is not a trace of quastene. Let's go over to the treadmill now. I want to run a stress test."

McCoy is already heading to the stress testing machine. Spock leaves the bed and steps up on the treadmill. McCoy sets the machine to a slow jog. Spock is not fazed by the test. Then McCoy adjusts the mill for a 45% incline and an increase in speed. Spock manages with little effort.

McCoy nods. "Impressive, I must say. I would never think you had just finished detoxing. Ready for the next level?"

"Proceed, Doctor."

McCoy raises the mill to a 65 % incline, at a full run. Spock's breathing soon becomes labored, so McCoy commands the treadmill to stop. Spock steps off the machine.

"Well Spock, not quite one hundred percent, but that is to be expected. I want you to come back in a week to repeat the steep incline test."

Spock is almost breathing at his normal rate. "As you wish, Doctor."

"Good. Now we need to go over a few things." McCoy ushers them into his consulting room and gestures to the two chairs across from his deck. "Have a seat."

They settle into the chairs. Preparing himself, McCoy studies Spock's impassive face. "You might as well know. All this is going to be included on your official record. _All_ of it. It's my duty."

Spock glances over to his wife. His eyes then focus on the doctor's lined face. "Doctor...is that really necessary, at this point?"

McCoy places his hands on his desk and interlocks his fingers. "Spock, I have a responsibility…" He could not miss the hint of distress in the Vulcan's eyes.

Spock swallows, and one finger begins tapping his thigh. "Yes, of course…and I should apologize for insisting that you not record your findings when we were aboard the _Surak_. I am concerned that my superiors will not look favorably on one of their instructors battling drug addiction."

McCoy suppresses a smile and leans back in his chair. "Well now, just listen to what I have to say. The fact is, Admiral Jamieson recognized the signs of drug use in you, and suspected that you might be addicted. He came to me, and I let him know what happened to you on Jarus. He wishes you had been forthright with him, but he doesn't hold it against you. When he received the message from T'Mara about you being ill and her needing some family leave, he suspected that you were detoxing at home. Thanks to T'Sora, I was able to verify it." He studies his friend's face. Did he see a hint of anger cross those dark eyes?

Spock assimilates what McCoy has told him. He turns to his wife. "T'Mara, you must have known about this." His voice is almost challenging.

Her eyes slightly widen. "No, it's all new to me."

McCoy cuts in. "Spock, T'Mara didn't know a thing. It is not like you to accuse someone without the facts."

Spock looks to his wife. "You are correct, Leonard" His features relax. "T'Mara, I am sorry."

There is an awkward pause, and McCoy clears his throat. "Spock, since you have not been on campus for a few days, you couldn't have heard the latest scuttlebutt. Scuttlebutt that Admiral Jamieson has personally verified."

"Scuttlebutt?" Spock asks, one brow raised.

"Have you heard that Commandant Samson will be stepping down?"

"Yes."

"There's more. The word from Admiral Jamieson is that he is putting your name in to be the next commandant." McCoy smiles at his friend.

T'Mara now smiles at her husband and takes his hand. "See, my angel, things work themselves out."

"The universe does have a way of unfolding as it should. But T'Mara, I have not been given the official word. The position of commandant requires more than several years of experience in the fleet. It also requires certain skills I might not have."

Leonard thinks there is more to Spock's doubt. It's the same doubt Spock had when he was asked to Captain the _Enterprise_. "Spock, if they offer you the position, please consider taking it. Both the admiral and the commandant highly respect you, and even the cadets respect you more than you realize. Yes, I am sure that with your keen Vulcan hearing, you have overheard grumblings about your stoic approach, and probably a few racist comments about your dual heritage. But Admiral Jamieson told me that a majority of the cadets prefer you over any other instructor, and that majority would be pleased to see you promoted to commandant. You would be making history – the first nonhuman commandant."

Spock tilts his head to one side. "If the Admiral asks, I will consider it." He stands, as does T'Mara. "Leonard, thank you. Your friendship is important to me." He offers out his hand.

McCoy's brows go slightly upwards. He rises and takes the Vulcan's hand. "Spock, coming from you, that means a lot. T'Mara, take care of this man of yours."

She shares one of her infectious smiles with the doctor. "Oh Leonard, that is always my first intention."

She interlocks her arm with Spock's. They leave the good doctor's office. Spock takes the key fob from T'Mara's hand. He opens the car door for her. Once they settle into the car, he engages first gear. He punches the accelerator pedal which causes the back tires to a squeal. He glances over at his wife. He shrugs, then a smirk rises on his face. She laughs.

The children are still at school when they arrive home. T'Mara is confused to find rose petals scattered on the front porch. "Strange, how did those get here?"

"Yes, most peculiar." Spock enters the passcode to open the front door. He allows T'Mara to enter the home first.

A trail of multi-colored petals leads from the door, all the way upstairs to the master bedroom. Spock follows behind T'Mara as she investigates. She enters the room and commands the lights to come on. She steps inside. She is dumbstruck to find multiple vases, each containing a dozen roses – roses every color of the rainbow.

T'Mara whirls and looks at Spock, who stands with his hands innocently clasped behind him.

"Go to the first vase on your left," he suggests.

The vase holds beautiful pink roses. She bends down to smell them, then notices a paper tucked among the blossoms. She carefully pulls the small paper out. It only has one letter on it. The letter was from the Vulcan alphabet. She turns quickly around, her face aglow with love.

"Now the first vase on your left." And so Spock leads her from vase to vase, where she collects more Vulcan letters that she lays out on her dresser.

It spells, _Wani Ra Yana Ro Aisha._ In Standard English it would say the three simple words, I Love You.

T'Mara spins around to face him, her eyes moist with tears of joy. Her lips part in a full smile. "Why?"

He places a hand on each of her shoulders. T'Mara, do you really need to ask?" His voice is tender with love for his wife.

"It's...just...that you rarely buy me any flowers...but look at all this. Seventeen dozen roses!"

"Our daughter once asked you why I did not bring you flowers. Perhaps I felt this would be a good time to begin. What better way to express my love?"

But no number of flowers could ever undo the physical and emotional pain he had caused her. Even with God's forgiveness and hers, the memory haunts him.

He draws her closer. He lowers his head to hers, and his lips meet her lips. As his hand reaches for her cheek, he feels her tense ever-so-slightly. His hand drops.

She becomes aware that she reacted negatively to his touch. "Spock, I'm so sorry."

"No, T'Mara, I am sorry. Our marriage needs to be healed. These roses are just a small token to let you know that my love runs deep – so deep that there is not a Vulcan word for it. Perhaps so deep that this man does not know how to express it." He slowly raises his hand again, this time to her temple. "May I touch your mind?"

"Yes, my love." Her voice is soft.

He spreads his fingers and initiates the melding process. Her mind now experiences his strong love for her – an emotion that no full-blooded Vulcan would openly admit. She loses herself in a soul-searching kiss. After the long kiss ends, he graces her with several small kisses. Then to her surprise, he sweeps her off her feet and carries her to the bed. He gently lays her on top of the rose petals. This time the love they share is pure, enduring and true.


End file.
